I am trying to find ways to keep myself busy. Well actually I am supposed to be busy, with studies and all. I should have an exam tomorrow. I should be studying right now. We have a report due on Wednesday and I haven’t done my part yet. I should be preparing things that should be used as props for the report. My MICE management class made me Marketing Head for our Lakbay Kalusugan, an event that we are organizing. I am head of the committee that should gather sponsorships so we have funds for the event.
I should be busy right? Well, these past few days I have been very idle. There have been three typhoons that caused classes to be suspended for three days, Wednesday to Friday. Chedeng, Dodong and Egay halted my busy mindset for three days. And I was given enough time to cuddle with my baby boy and forget about everything else.
Now why do I need to be busy? So I can think less about analyzing my feelings and my emotions. I need to work on something so I can’t have time to reflect about life. I need to constantly think about something else so I can stop feeling things that I felt, or noticed things that I should not. What am I really talking about anyway? It may be something or it can be nothing. I really don’t know. That’s what’s hard about analyzing my emotions, I get emotional. Often than not I felt that I was too emotional. Or I get the conclusion that what I felt was just nothing because I just over emote about everything. But things like that pile up and overflow. And before I realized what was happening there I go again and become too emotional. But I do get emotional when I was alone and I have all the time and place to be.
I rarely shed tears this past few moths… err years.
I have been too candid to everyone before. I cried and mope around not in front of everyone but in front of friends and confidants. My life has been an open book to them. Mostly because I trust them, not to keep my secrets, I really don’t care if they told my secrets to anyone or anybody. I trust them because I know they can keep me in track. I know they would laugh if my stories were funny. I know they would slap me when I need one. And I know I would get a beating if I deserve it. And I know they would sympathize if I cried. Or maybe they cried themselves too when they heard my poignant adventures.
Now, why did that changed? Because I haven’t seen or heard from them for the longest time! I lost touch with some. Some of them I chose or rather I decided not to keep in touch with anymore because of morality issues because my significant other would not dare understand it. And some of them do not want to keep in touch with me anymore for reasons I don’t know and I don’t intend to know. If they do not want to keep in touch with me in the first place, it must not be good. And if it isn’t a good thing I don’t want to know about it, at least not now. Not right now because I don’t think I can handle it. I am too vulnerable at the moment. HA!! Believe it or not I am capable of being vulnerable. I myself couldn’t believe it either. I always thought of myself as invincible, a very strong rock which nothing can move. I used to think that I can handle everything that life throws at me. I believed I am strong. Others believed it too. It’s how they describe me, a strong girl. Somebody who have seen a lot in life and who have overcome so many trials in life and still live to tell all of it. That’s me. That is who I used to be.
Right now I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down. I felt like I was on the edge. A little nudge and I think I will fall into nothingness. It sounds melancholy. And I felt pathetic. I feel stupid actually. I feel like a spoiled brat who has been punished by my dearest father by taking every comfort away. I guess being a mother has this effect on me. I guess it softens me, making me over emotional or making me break. When my mind was not busy I think to myself and dream of things I should have become. I dream of things I could have done, and then realized that I can’t. I often tried to analyze why I always feel like on edge, and always got the conclusion that I was lonely. But when I looked at my child the loneliness turns into pure affection. And when he laughs I feel comfort. When he achieved something for the day like stand still or learns new acts, pride overwhelms me. The moment I am alone and stagnant, I felt the loneliness again. I always had the urge to cry and release it all out. But it seem to be stuck there somewhere between my chest and my eyes. I feel the heaviness of it in my chest. I feel the wants of it to overflow from my eyes. But the tears just won’t come. It feels weird actually. I am so sad yet I am so numb. Was it possible? I am so lonely but the tears just won’t flow? Why am I lonely anyway? Do I expect so much from life? I certainly don’t. I am used to a rough life. At a very young age I learned to make my own way how to survive. I have done things so my life won’t be stuck. I found ways so I can progress. I don’t expect so much from life. I believe I can give life more than it can give me. When I was younger I like my freedom. I like my independence. I like to be in control of life. I like adventure. I always get in trouble. I always seem to be in the middle of some scandal or outrage or gossip or something. But I don’t mind. I guess I am happier when I can do what I feel like doing and not mind anyone else. I always got an amount of scolding. I saw a lot of eyebrows rising. I heard a lot of sermons, not only from priests but friends and older relatives. I was never any mother’s model for their daughters. But I think I am not the worst either. In fact I think I am also a good daughter at the same time. And never during those times did I felt that I was on the verge of breaking down. Well, maybe once or twice. I breakdown and cried my eyes out. And after a night I felt good because I’ve let it out.
Oh I hate being so EMOTIONAL…
